Of Corn and Other Tragedies

                                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                 

The phone rings and I answer it. I have just come inside to grab a knife for the corn I am husking for the freezer. 
I assume it is my Jasmine wanting to let me know about pick up time for the high school introduction day she is attending.
It isn't. It's my oldest daughter Brittany, the one who was recently married here. 















"Hi Mom,
 I was making cinnamon buns and when I took the pan out of the oven just now, it shattered and broke into a million pieces."
I listen to her and offer my sympathies as best I can. We discuss how and what made this happen; to not much avail. (I can only reason that the pan was either cracked or something because it just seems too odd!)
 I understand how terribly frustrating something like this is, especially when you are at the end result of something that is SO labour intensive as yeast baking is.
I advise her that No it likely is not wise to eat them, no matter how delicious they appear, glass could have still gotten in there somehow. 
I know she knows this, but in catastrophic moments such as this sometimes good judgement calls are waned.
                                              

We hang up and I head back out to my lawn chair in the sun. This afternoon has provided me with some rare time alone. 
This is not a natural commodity in the summer.  My  kids have all left for some time with friends before school and routine. I welcome the quiet even if it means I am stuck husking corn by myself.

My sister's daughter moved away to school yesterday. My thoughts have been with her and her family much today.
 I recall the day three years ago when my eldest left for school. The empty spot they leave and the way their vacancy is not easily replaced.
Now my daughter has graduated. She has married and moved on. Heart strings have expanded and stretched in all sorts of amazing ways.

I am glad for this time alone to be introspective. 

My knife cuts off all of the sweet,juicy kernels  that we will enjoy when the snow flies.

                                                                     

  




I think about mothers  and daughters. The tenacity that this relationship has. I send my daughter a text to console her as she cleans up shattered glass and resists the urge to sample warm cinnamon buns. 
Back outside in the warmth of the August sun, I can't help myself; I laugh!



                                                           

Rain, Radio and Rice Cakes

The rain pulses a steady rhythm as I race to my van after bringing in the groceries and putting them away.I am on my way to pick up my daughter. Somehow two, whole school years have passed and now it is time for the final voyage.
I go back through my mind over two years ago when her and I set out to the 'big city' almost a two hour drive away. She wanted to see the school and write her entrance exam. I recall the trepidation as I wrestled with all the emotions of letting go.
Now two years later....I still wrestle. Yes, it may have gotten somewhat easier but at times I feel the anxiety of all that I cannot change or control.

                            

I think a mother's heart strings are elastic. They need to expand and shrink so many times throughout the years.As time goes on and life brings change;
 the elastic stretches to accommodate the accompanying emotions. As each child strains toward independence, the heartstrings now used to stretching do so with more ease and grace. In this time of stretching the heart learns it can expand and open to possibilities once thought beyond its realm. The heart finds a new, comfortable place within this constant stretching of strings. 
A peace in all circumstances is a fine trade off for feeling in control of hopes, wishes and dreams.




rain-soothes my spirit,music -speaks to my heart,rice cakes- comfort my stomach:)

the drive I made almost weekly to pick up my daughter is a metaphor for the journey it was....beautiful,long,and stretching...

 Life is constant transit 
towards tomorrow and through today....









my oldest is finished college...she took a two year veterinary technician program...now comes the fun part of finding work!

                             

          and Happy Twentieth Birthday...as well. 
              so much to celebrate.....

Beyond Baking Brownies...

                                                                                                         via

She was at the kitchen counter when I walked in from driving her brother to the nearest ski hill for an evening of snow boarding with  friends.
"What are you doing?" was my query.
"Making brownies," she replied with an air of independence as she carefully examined the recipe before her.
"Need help?"was my next question as stood I and watched for a second.
"No,"she stated simply.                      
"Good" I think to myself, 'just the way I like it!'

This is the stage of parenting I'm at...it is a stage that arrives in little increments as each of my children become independent and discover who they are and what they're capable of.
It's not that I'm not needed, just not needed beside them each step of the way anymore. I have at times worried that my children are too independent and don't need me.But really this is the gift to me,the results of pouring into their lives,and giving them small steps towards freedom and independence.                                                         

It's a little like when  my girls had an interest in using the sewing machine. At first they would sit in front of me and we'd practise sewing straight and getting the feel of the fabric moving under our hands.
Eventually they would sit down by the sewing machine on their own and create something they could envision.I would be summoned to help when the bobbin was empty or the sewing machine was acting up and needed some tuning! But with time they also learned  how to solve the dilemmas without my intervention.

At times this stage of parenting can be unsettling. After all I WANT to feel needed!
 Isn't this what a Mother wants more than anything?I have thrived on nurturing my children and as they get older that nurturing just doesn't quite look like it used to.Good food, and warm clothes,and good-night stories as I tuck them all in at relatively the same time...
Now I often text my daughter who is away at school to say good-night. My second oldest will come home from her job after I'm in bed most nights.
Does this mean I'm no longer needed?
I am learning to believe that it doesn't.

It means they are trying to figure out life's sewing machine on their own; and although they will run into problems that may need intervention, independence is the reward of parenting, and  just as at times when they were sewing,I wanted to stand beside them and make sure they 'were doing it right', it will be better for both of us if I walk away. They'll let me know when they need help!

here are the brownies....they were delicious!!even though I heard her exclaim from the kitchen at one point "OH NO! I forgot to grease the pan!" :)

Heart Murmurs

please listen to the music..

                                   
                                                     


 After all ,I muse, I knew that time would steal you from me,
I have been preparing myself for this for so long.

You never, really, were solely mine.
Your heart danced ,and I watched as you followed it's lead.

I could never call you back, and pretend it's all okay.
For life is not merely a stage on which we carry out our whims.

It is much more than that.
The ache and the longing accompany deep emotions.

In order to have peace, one needs to release our fears.
Believe in Hope.

Then dear child, and only then,is freedom found.


 
I wrote the above a few days ago. I was feeling a wave of fear/anxiety about the future, and all the unknownsit holds. Then I had to remind myself that God has ordained my/our destiny.Although we are allowed to choose, the outcome isn't some random happening.http://bible.cc/psalms/139-16.htm

gratitude today:41.grace from others, for others, and from Above,42. making sweet potato french fries with sweet husband:)43. and another little indulgence;making tea balls( and thinking about my mother as she used to make them too)44. hosting a family from church that we don't know very well,45.shelter,it's really windy today,46.soft hearts 47.the lure of words,48.reading good writing49.beds that are made ,50.the privilege to be at home.



 

Comes The Dawn

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning.

And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts.

And presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up .your eyes open

With the grace of a woman,not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow is too  uncertain for plans

And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.

After a while,you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure....

That you really are strong.

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and you learn....

With every goodbye you learn.

Veronica A Shoffstall.